§ I
Notice is hereby given
The Office has taken this address, and a record will be kept at it.
For five seasons the whole of this League — every result, every
trade, every humiliation worth the name — has lived in a spreadsheet, a group
chat, and the memory of twelve men, which is to say it has not lived anywhere at
all.
That is being corrected. The Office is assembling the record in full and will
publish it here, at this address, at a time of the Office’s choosing. The
Office is not taking questions on the timeline.
What follows is not the record. It is the table of contents, and most of
it is sealed. You may read the titles. You may not yet read the pages. I am given to
understand that this is frustrating. I am given to understand a great many
things.
Baron Waiverhelm
Commissioner · The League Office
§ II
The next order of business
—
—Days
—Hours
—Minutes
—Seconds
Attendance is not optional. It has never been optional. Several of you
have operated for five years on a different understanding and the Office has decided
to let that go.
§ III
The Register
Seven volumes. Three are open to you, or partly open. The rest are
sealed, and the seals are not decorative.
Five seasons, twelve seats, seventeen men. Every result that can be checked, and it has been.
Unsealed
The Roll of Champions
Who won. Who was standing in front of them at the time.
Unsealed — § V
Studies the Office has run on this League, using instruments the League does not know it is standing in front of.
Unsealed
The Reaping Board
One pick a week. No team twice. Two lives, and no appeal on the second.
Opens Week One
The Graveyard
The Office writes an obituary for every man it eliminates. The Office enjoys this part.
Sealed
The Called Shots
The Office makes one prediction each week and is held to it in public, against its own preference.
Sealed
The instrument that binds all of the above — including, and I want to be precise here, me.
Unsealed
§ IV
The Research Desk
Five seasons of this League have been measured, and the measurements
disagree with what most of you believe about yourselves. The findings below are not
opinions. Every figure in them is checkable against the record, which is the entire
point of keeping one.
-
Finding I
The top seed has lost the championship game three times in five seasons
2021, 2023 and 2025 — and only one man has ever converted the first seed into a title.
-
Finding II
Scoring the most points all year is closer to a curse than an advantage
The regular-season points leader has lost the final in four of five seasons. One man has led the League in scoring and won it, once.
-
Finding III
Two six-seeds have won this League at 7–7
Twice as many titles as the first seed has managed over the same five years. The Office notes this without comment, at length.
-
Finding IV
The highest-scoring season in League history lost to a 7–7 team
1867.94 points, 2023, an eleven-win first seed. It is the single most instructive number in the record and it is not close.
In preparation
- Points abandoned on the bench, by owner, since 2021
- Where each draft slot actually finishes
- Positional scarcity under our own scoring, not somebody else’s
- Snap counts against the men you drafted and then buried
- Schedules, re-run — who was carried and who was buried
- The defense board, and whether the Office can beat a coin
Each of these becomes a filed finding the week it survives
checking. Nothing goes on this desk that the record cannot support, which is why
the desk is slower than the opinions in your group chat.
§ V
The Roll of Champions
Nine of the twelve founding seats are still held by the men who founded
them. Eight of those nine appear somewhere in the table below. The ninth is aware of
this, and the Office reprints the table annually regardless.
| Season |
Champion |
Team |
Seed |
Record |
Denied |
| 2025 | AJ | Rafi and The Dirty Randys | 2 | 10-4 | Evan |
| 2024 | Ronnie | Bishop Sycamore | 1 | 11-3 | Larry |
| 2023 | Jordan | Trippy Boyz | 6 | 7-7 | Ryan |
| 2022 | Tim | House of Pain | 4 | 9-5 | Justin |
| 2021 | Justin | The Master Baiters | 6 | 7-7 | Scott |
§ VI
Posted by the League Office at the address above.
This page is not listed and was not meant to be found.
Nothing on it is an invitation to correspond.
Given under seal, in the year MMXXVI, Season the VI.